Q: Despite a stream of harrassing emails from me, and daily desk drive-byes to various decision makers, I find I am constantly waiting for feedback to indicate to me what to do next. What should I do? Am I working too quickly, or am I too impatient? Please help me, DougO...you're my only hope!
--Frustrated
A: Your drive and ability obviously outstrip the demands of your current job. When Einstein ran into this problem at the patent office (his day job), he spent his spare work time developing the first draft of his theory of relativity. I suggest that you develop a hobby at work that will turn the world of science on its head. Or catch up on all the current videos at homestarrunner.com. That's probably what Einstein would have done instead if he had access to the internet.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monkey Bidding
Q: Dear Doug, how do you get a monkey to do your bidding... you know, like Tarzan or The Wicked Witch did?
A: This is a complicated question, and your examples have very different answers. Tarzan gained his dominance over monkey-kind from his upbringing as an ape. The apes taught him the language of the jungle, and their natural superiority over monkeys (Burroughs was obviously an unrepentant 19th century apist) gave him the right to order monkeys about. The Wicked Witch obviously used some other means, since she always seemed to address the (creepy, terrifying) winged monkeys in plain English. My guess is that she had conquered the Monkeys' territory, and thus became their ruler (as in the case of the Winkies).
It is not clear to me that modern monkeys would recognize the rule of apes (if you could pass yourself off as one), so following Tarzan's route to power could be problematic. And it is demonstrably true that merely having political control over a monkey-infested region is not enough to prevent them throwing you off of balconies to your death.
That being said, only three reasonable options seem open to you;
1. Develop mind-control technology for humans (or apes) and retro-fit it for monkeys (or use mind-control on the apes, and see if they can whip the monkeys into an army for you).
2. Lure them with bananas and persuade them to do your bidding with reasoned arguments.
3. Pretend that what they are currently doing is what you would have commanded them to do anyway.
A: This is a complicated question, and your examples have very different answers. Tarzan gained his dominance over monkey-kind from his upbringing as an ape. The apes taught him the language of the jungle, and their natural superiority over monkeys (Burroughs was obviously an unrepentant 19th century apist) gave him the right to order monkeys about. The Wicked Witch obviously used some other means, since she always seemed to address the (creepy, terrifying) winged monkeys in plain English. My guess is that she had conquered the Monkeys' territory, and thus became their ruler (as in the case of the Winkies).
It is not clear to me that modern monkeys would recognize the rule of apes (if you could pass yourself off as one), so following Tarzan's route to power could be problematic. And it is demonstrably true that merely having political control over a monkey-infested region is not enough to prevent them throwing you off of balconies to your death.
That being said, only three reasonable options seem open to you;
1. Develop mind-control technology for humans (or apes) and retro-fit it for monkeys (or use mind-control on the apes, and see if they can whip the monkeys into an army for you).
2. Lure them with bananas and persuade them to do your bidding with reasoned arguments.
3. Pretend that what they are currently doing is what you would have commanded them to do anyway.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Nyctophobia
Q: Doug, what's a Nictophobe?
A: Doug: "Spell it."
Matt : "nyctophobia"
Doug: "Wow, I don't know, but I wanna know!"
Matt : "According to Wikipedia, it's a pathological fear of the dark."
A: Doug: "Spell it."
Matt : "nyctophobia"
Doug: "Wow, I don't know, but I wanna know!"
Matt : "According to Wikipedia, it's a pathological fear of the dark."
Thundercats, Ho?
Q: Doug, what does the Thundercats symbol look like?
A: It's kind of this cat thing. It says "RRRR" in a sort of visual way. It's all over the internet. Although you can buy Thundercats boxer shorts, I can't see any benefit to bringing the Thundercats symbol closer to my private parts.
A: It's kind of this cat thing. It says "RRRR" in a sort of visual way. It's all over the internet. Although you can buy Thundercats boxer shorts, I can't see any benefit to bringing the Thundercats symbol closer to my private parts.
900 Mhz phone?
Q: Dear Doug, I have a 900 Mhz phone. What does that mean?
A: 900 mhz is the frequency your phone uses to fry your brain and sterilize you.
A: 900 mhz is the frequency your phone uses to fry your brain and sterilize you.
Vanishing Pee
Q: So last night I took a Benadryl and went to bed. I figured I wouldn't sleep too long because at the time I already had to pee really bad. When I woke up some 4 hours later I no longer had to pee at all. And I didn't wake up in a puddle of my own filth. So Doug, where did the pee go?
A: You were visited by the Pee Fairy.
A: You were visited by the Pee Fairy.
Beefburger?
Q: Why isn't a hamburger called a beefburger? There's clearly no ham in it!!
A: The "hamburger" is named for Hambourg, Germany, not the meat. Technically, it means "citizen of Hambourg", so you might ask, "why aren't there any ground-up Germans in them?"
A: The "hamburger" is named for Hambourg, Germany, not the meat. Technically, it means "citizen of Hambourg", so you might ask, "why aren't there any ground-up Germans in them?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)