Q: Despite a stream of harrassing emails from me, and daily desk drive-byes to various decision makers, I find I am constantly waiting for feedback to indicate to me what to do next. What should I do? Am I working too quickly, or am I too impatient? Please help me, DougO...you're my only hope!
--Frustrated
A: Your drive and ability obviously outstrip the demands of your current job. When Einstein ran into this problem at the patent office (his day job), he spent his spare work time developing the first draft of his theory of relativity. I suggest that you develop a hobby at work that will turn the world of science on its head. Or catch up on all the current videos at homestarrunner.com. That's probably what Einstein would have done instead if he had access to the internet.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monkey Bidding
Q: Dear Doug, how do you get a monkey to do your bidding... you know, like Tarzan or The Wicked Witch did?
A: This is a complicated question, and your examples have very different answers. Tarzan gained his dominance over monkey-kind from his upbringing as an ape. The apes taught him the language of the jungle, and their natural superiority over monkeys (Burroughs was obviously an unrepentant 19th century apist) gave him the right to order monkeys about. The Wicked Witch obviously used some other means, since she always seemed to address the (creepy, terrifying) winged monkeys in plain English. My guess is that she had conquered the Monkeys' territory, and thus became their ruler (as in the case of the Winkies).
It is not clear to me that modern monkeys would recognize the rule of apes (if you could pass yourself off as one), so following Tarzan's route to power could be problematic. And it is demonstrably true that merely having political control over a monkey-infested region is not enough to prevent them throwing you off of balconies to your death.
That being said, only three reasonable options seem open to you;
1. Develop mind-control technology for humans (or apes) and retro-fit it for monkeys (or use mind-control on the apes, and see if they can whip the monkeys into an army for you).
2. Lure them with bananas and persuade them to do your bidding with reasoned arguments.
3. Pretend that what they are currently doing is what you would have commanded them to do anyway.
A: This is a complicated question, and your examples have very different answers. Tarzan gained his dominance over monkey-kind from his upbringing as an ape. The apes taught him the language of the jungle, and their natural superiority over monkeys (Burroughs was obviously an unrepentant 19th century apist) gave him the right to order monkeys about. The Wicked Witch obviously used some other means, since she always seemed to address the (creepy, terrifying) winged monkeys in plain English. My guess is that she had conquered the Monkeys' territory, and thus became their ruler (as in the case of the Winkies).
It is not clear to me that modern monkeys would recognize the rule of apes (if you could pass yourself off as one), so following Tarzan's route to power could be problematic. And it is demonstrably true that merely having political control over a monkey-infested region is not enough to prevent them throwing you off of balconies to your death.
That being said, only three reasonable options seem open to you;
1. Develop mind-control technology for humans (or apes) and retro-fit it for monkeys (or use mind-control on the apes, and see if they can whip the monkeys into an army for you).
2. Lure them with bananas and persuade them to do your bidding with reasoned arguments.
3. Pretend that what they are currently doing is what you would have commanded them to do anyway.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Nyctophobia
Q: Doug, what's a Nictophobe?
A: Doug: "Spell it."
Matt : "nyctophobia"
Doug: "Wow, I don't know, but I wanna know!"
Matt : "According to Wikipedia, it's a pathological fear of the dark."
A: Doug: "Spell it."
Matt : "nyctophobia"
Doug: "Wow, I don't know, but I wanna know!"
Matt : "According to Wikipedia, it's a pathological fear of the dark."
Thundercats, Ho?
Q: Doug, what does the Thundercats symbol look like?
A: It's kind of this cat thing. It says "RRRR" in a sort of visual way. It's all over the internet. Although you can buy Thundercats boxer shorts, I can't see any benefit to bringing the Thundercats symbol closer to my private parts.
A: It's kind of this cat thing. It says "RRRR" in a sort of visual way. It's all over the internet. Although you can buy Thundercats boxer shorts, I can't see any benefit to bringing the Thundercats symbol closer to my private parts.
900 Mhz phone?
Q: Dear Doug, I have a 900 Mhz phone. What does that mean?
A: 900 mhz is the frequency your phone uses to fry your brain and sterilize you.
A: 900 mhz is the frequency your phone uses to fry your brain and sterilize you.
Vanishing Pee
Q: So last night I took a Benadryl and went to bed. I figured I wouldn't sleep too long because at the time I already had to pee really bad. When I woke up some 4 hours later I no longer had to pee at all. And I didn't wake up in a puddle of my own filth. So Doug, where did the pee go?
A: You were visited by the Pee Fairy.
A: You were visited by the Pee Fairy.
Beefburger?
Q: Why isn't a hamburger called a beefburger? There's clearly no ham in it!!
A: The "hamburger" is named for Hambourg, Germany, not the meat. Technically, it means "citizen of Hambourg", so you might ask, "why aren't there any ground-up Germans in them?"
A: The "hamburger" is named for Hambourg, Germany, not the meat. Technically, it means "citizen of Hambourg", so you might ask, "why aren't there any ground-up Germans in them?"
Worcescestercestershire?
How does one correctly pronounce Worcestershire Sauce? Wiki failed me in this one, claiming it's pronounced /ˈwʊstəʃər/
This doesn't help me. Can you?
A: I've always pronounced Worcestershire "WOOSE te sher". I have a sneaking suspicion that the British might even break it down to "WOOSE ter".
"Why", you might ask, "do they insist on all the extra letters, then?" I don't really know, but my guess is that it was a ploy by the Saxons to throw off William the Conqueror and his invading army in 1066. It didn't work, and the steak sauce fell into the hands of the Normans.
This doesn't help me. Can you?
A: I've always pronounced Worcestershire "WOOSE te sher". I have a sneaking suspicion that the British might even break it down to "WOOSE ter".
"Why", you might ask, "do they insist on all the extra letters, then?" I don't really know, but my guess is that it was a ploy by the Saxons to throw off William the Conqueror and his invading army in 1066. It didn't work, and the steak sauce fell into the hands of the Normans.
Devil's Food vs. Angel's Food
Q: Does Devil's Food win just because of the chocolaty goodness?
A: Oh, no. It wins primarily because of the lameness of Angel's food. The chocolatey goodness just puts it over the top.
A: Oh, no. It wins primarily because of the lameness of Angel's food. The chocolatey goodness just puts it over the top.
DougO vs. Wikipedia!
Q: Why ask DougO and not just Wikipedia my question?
A: Well, if you care more about accuracy, rather than lovingly handcrafted nuggets of knowledge, I guess the faceless, sterile environment of Wikipedia may suit you.
A: Well, if you care more about accuracy, rather than lovingly handcrafted nuggets of knowledge, I guess the faceless, sterile environment of Wikipedia may suit you.
So what's the difference...
...between Jelly and Jam?? I look at both on the shelf, and they have the same labels, same ingredients. Except one says Jelly. The other, Jam. What's up with that?
A: Well, the answer, as others have noted, is that "jelly" is made only from the extracted juices of the fruit, giving a smooth consistency, while "jam" includes seeds and pulp, making for a chunkier texture.
My addendum to this explanation is my own term for the bits added to (or not removed from) jam. I call it "glunk". You heard it here first.
A: Well, the answer, as others have noted, is that "jelly" is made only from the extracted juices of the fruit, giving a smooth consistency, while "jam" includes seeds and pulp, making for a chunkier texture.
My addendum to this explanation is my own term for the bits added to (or not removed from) jam. I call it "glunk". You heard it here first.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Angel Food Cake... Food of the Gods, or What?
Q: Just because I need to know...
A: The food of the gods was called Ambrosia for the Greeks and Romans, served with a big, foamy mug of Nectar to wash it down. The Norse gods ate pretty much what we eat, except more of it and with lots of alcohol (as at a company party), but they kept young by eating magic silver apples. Angel food cake, on the other hand, is eaten mostly by old ladies (not gods) and is made with egg whites and sugar, with some other flavorless crap thrown in.
So, no. The gods probably wouldn't eat it unless they were on a diet.
A: The food of the gods was called Ambrosia for the Greeks and Romans, served with a big, foamy mug of Nectar to wash it down. The Norse gods ate pretty much what we eat, except more of it and with lots of alcohol (as at a company party), but they kept young by eating magic silver apples. Angel food cake, on the other hand, is eaten mostly by old ladies (not gods) and is made with egg whites and sugar, with some other flavorless crap thrown in.
So, no. The gods probably wouldn't eat it unless they were on a diet.
Robots and Evil
Q: Hey Doug, are robots evil?
A: Robots can't be diabolical because they don't have souls.
A: Robots can't be diabolical because they don't have souls.
How Do I Remove Captured Blood from a Toenail?
Q: Hey Doug, I injured my toe playing basketball, and now it looks gross. How do I remove captured blood from a toenail?
A: It depends. If the connective tissue has separated from the nail, but the front part hasn't, then the toenail will hinge forward like a European sports car's hood. Otherwise it will just fall off when the new toenail grows underneath it in a couple more days.
A: It depends. If the connective tissue has separated from the nail, but the front part hasn't, then the toenail will hinge forward like a European sports car's hood. Otherwise it will just fall off when the new toenail grows underneath it in a couple more days.
Fish Don't Fry in the Kitchen?
Q: Dear Dougo, what does "Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill" from the Jefferson's Theme Song mean?
A: Doug kind of rambled around on this one, so Donovan had to pitch in with a coherent answer : The phrase means that they are going out to eat more often, now that they've 'moved on up.' So they don't cook as often in the kitchen.
A: Doug kind of rambled around on this one, so Donovan had to pitch in with a coherent answer : The phrase means that they are going out to eat more often, now that they've 'moved on up.' So they don't cook as often in the kitchen.
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