He Chose...Poorly.

Q: Hey DougO. I meant to ask this an eon ago, but a baby got in the way. Now I finally have time to address real issues. Thus: I was sitting in my bathroom one day, um, relaxing, and happened to notice a tiny little spider had spun it's web in the bottom corner behind the door. It was just sitting there, waiting. So it occurred to me, how patient are spiders? I mean, if real estate is all about location, location, location, then this little guy just bought a money-pit in downtown Beirut. No way was he ever going to catch anything there to feed on. So how long will a spider wait for prey before it packs up and moves? Will it just sit there and die?

A: You would be surprised how little people seem to worry about spiders starving to death.  Most research into that sort of thing seems to have been done by exterminators, who would rather not tell you how it can be accomplished if they can charge you for it instead.

I have managed to dredge up some pertinant information, though.  First, spiders are always a little thirsty, so much so that scientists have been able to attract them with syringes full of liquid.  It's at that point that they feed them LSD or THC, then film the webs thay make and laugh at them, subsequently putting the results up on YouTube.  Take into account that spiders are liquivores, living on the inside juices of their prey, and you can see how they are consequently also hungry all the time.  This is good conditioning for a predator, but bad for developing patience.

Complicating this problem for the spider is that most species of spider that build webs are entirely dependent on the web for food and information about its surroundings.  They are nearly blind, and use the vibrations of the web itself to read air currents and interpret sounds.  Their only option, therefore, is to build a web in a likely spot for smaller company and hope.  It doesn't hurt their chances to build where it is dark and slightly damp, too, so that they dry out slower.

Some exterminators have mentioned (reluctantly) that wrecking a spider's web and then hampering its attempts to repair or rebuild it will eventually cause the spider to starve.  But there wasn't much information on how long that might take.  Given that a Black Widow can live up to five years, and a Bird-Eating spider maybe 15 years, it's hard to guess what their staying power is, as opposed to, say, flies, who might die in a day or two under the best conditions.  

I would propose an experiment.  Search around for a spider that seems to be successful, then observe it over a period of time and see how many bugs it seems to be consuming per day.  That should give you a round figure, per ounce of spider.  Then, if your bathroom spider does go to that Big Creepy House in the Sky, feed it to the successful spider.

Numbers, Numbers everywhere so let's all have a drink.

Dear Doug,

Q: On my computer keyboard, the number pad starts with 1 on the bottom row. On my phone the numbers start with 1 on the top row.

Why are these two similar systems diametrically opposed? Is it like the struggle of capitalism vs. socialism? Why can't we all just get along?

A: Hm.  This one doesn't have the same answer as the "QWERTY" layout for keyboards, which was a mechanical solution to jamming early typewriters.  But it may be something similar, on a a psychological level, giving the user what they expect for the function of the pad.

I have no conclusive proof for this theory, but here it is.

Computer number pads are arranged in the same configuration as the buttons on a calculator, counting up from the bottom from 0.  This would be the expected behavior for early mass-produced computers, since they were (until a decade or two ago, in fact) considered to be nothing much more than very complicated and powerful calculators themselves.  VisiCalc, a spreadsheet program, was the first "killer app" for personal computers after all, and the reason people bought them in the early days - as a piece of accounting hardware.

Cell phones, however, developed from landline phones with keypads, which in turn developed from rotary phones.  Rotary phones counted upwards from 1,  starting at the top and going counter-clockwise around the dial to end at 0, which, besides being a number, represented the "O" in "Operator", making it a special space on the dial.  When phones moved from rotary to tuoch-tone dialing, the format of 1 to 9 going down with 0 in a special place at the bottom was maintained for familiarity and ease of use.  When equivalents for letters were needed, the letters of the alphabet were arranged in the same way, going from A to Z in groups in the same arrangement as the numbers, with the special buttons * and # at the bottom with the magic 0.

The problem, as you've already figured out, is when cell phones are computers, as is almost universally the case now.  No open warfare has broken out, and as far as I know, no one has mysteriously disappeared due to conflicts over how keypads are laid out.  So I have to conclude, even given that this is a mystery, that no secret societies are involved.

Well,... of course the vampires and the Bavarian Illuminati are involved, but that's always a given.

The Vomiting Conundrum

So my wife and son are sick with a virus that causes both vomiting and the diarrhea. As anyone who shares close quarters with sickies knows I am going to get the virus. Its just a matter of when. Knowing that at any moment the virus could strike me I have been choosing my meals based purely on how pleasant or unpleasant they will be on the return trip. So the question DougO is...

Q: If you knew you were going to be vomiting it back up at some point but it was dinner time and you were hungry, what would you eat?

A: My guess is that this is the reason for the old adage "feed a cold and starve a fever".  Or was it "starve a cold..."?  Nah.  Let's go with the first one.  At any rate, a fever is more likely to come with a stomach virus, and around the onset of such things you are unlikely to feel like a big lunch, anyway.  But, for this case, say that you are a bit peckish.  Reason dictates that you want something without much texture, like broth or jello.  I always find the chunkier foods the least pleasant to revisit later.  But, of course, this is up to your personal taste in textures.  

I might also suggest that eating bland foods and foods that are easier on the digestion could forestall having to chuck it up later at all, working on the theory that your body has a tipping point that, once passed, triggers the response.  Keeping your body from getting to that point might mean you could ride the brief illness out without incident.

Personally, I take a more grimly determined route.  Considering how many things can upset my stomach, and given that most of those causes are transitory (or caused by not having eaten, or eaten the right things), I tend to eat whatever I want as long as I still have appetite.  I won't eat sausage or raw jalapenos, of course, but I won't starve myself just because I might be sick later.  Proper sustenance is, after all, part of good health.  Bring it on, agents of disease.  Let's see what you got.

The Deadly Sneeze

Q: There is one myth I don't see ever being tested on Mythbusters: that sneezing with your eyes open will cause your eyes to pop out of their sockets. Any truth to this? It's obviously not something I'm willing to try.

A: Authorities of no less prominence than Cecil Adams of The Straight Dope claim that there is no truth to this rumor, although one of his readers claims to have burst blood vessels in his eyes in the attempt.  I don't know if this seond claim is true, but it seems to follow reason that you will hurt yourself whenever you try to short-circuit your body's defense mechanisms (seeing if you can avoid flinching when hitting your fingers with a hammer, say).  So your caution is well-founded, even if you are likely to avoid having to shove your eyeballs back in if you try it.  

Incidentally, in the interest of related scientific discovery, my sons have determined that you do not explode if you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time.

Fingernails in our future?

Q: Hey Doug, why do humans have fingernails? It seems we should have evolved past them, seeing as they don't do more than fray and annoy and grow funny. Do you see a future without them?

A: Most sources say basically the same thing about fingernails and toenails: that nails protect sensitive nerve endings in the fingers, that both sets are leftovers from claws, and that they are (just FYI) made of keratin - the same material that claws and hooves are made of in other animals. Some sources claim, incorrectly, that the nails developed to protect the delicate nail bed. That's like saying phones lines were developed to give telephone poles meaning and purpose. But I digress. At least one source explains the current shape of fingernails and toenails as an adaptive reaction to the broadening of our grasping appendages, used to lift us off of the plains and into the safety of the trees. Our fingers developed more surface area for gripping, so nails became a flatter protection for the sensitive ends. Probably true, but that doesn't really explain "why nails instead of claws?", since many tree-living species get along just fine with claws to adhere themselves to branches and tree trunks. My favorite suggestion was that fingernails made it easier to pick body lice off of oneself or a comrade. I guess that was a pretty serious problem at the time. Or a source of protein.

As for whether we will ever lose nails for lack of use, I recommend that you try getting along without them for a few days. Trim them back or tape your fingers, as one writer suggests, and you'll see how soon you miss them. Having recently had two of my fingernails gouged out, I can tell you I missed them more than I ever missed a phillips head screwdriver. When the bomb drops and everyone is scrambling for that last FreshPak of bologna, I think the survivors will be the ones who can get that little zipper thing open without having to hunt down a pair of scissors from the smouldering, radioactive wreckage.

Russian Race Horses

Hate to do it to you, Doug, but this question actually occurred to me during a meeting ... and I instantly thought of you.... :)
Frantically preparing for an impending meeting, Dinley was panicking and said "I've got to [urinate] like a Russian Race Horse." And off he went.
Q: So, the question is, naturally, how did this association come about? Are Russian Race Horses notorious for massive amounts of pee? Or do they have trouble holding it?

A: This answer was so good, I had to quote it directly from the source, The Phrase Finder: "All horses urinate visibly, audibly and above all copiously, and presumably this is an occurrence highly noticeable at a race meeting when the competing horses are led around the parade ring for the crowds to examine before the off."

This, of course, leaves the "Russian" element out, but covers the basic phenomenon. I was surprised at the number of people who seem to be seeking the answer to this same question online. It's not a meme I would have expected. At any rate, there doesn't seem to be an agreed-upon answer for "why Russian race horse", but there was a suggestion (probably untrue) put forward. According to one source (who heard it from a guy, etc.), Russian horse trainers used to uh,... tie off their horses before a race, thinking that they would run faster if they really needed to go, and that they could expect to be allowed to relieve themselves at the finish line. I tend to doubt this, as much because I doubt a horse would be allowed to spatter judges and happy well-wishers with "copious" urination at their moment of glory, but mostly because I can't imagine that I myself would run better under those conditions.

Mushrooms... what are they?

So Doug, we are having a debate at my work about whether mushrooms are considered a vegetable in terms of food. The debate gets even more complex because apparently the scientific community considers a mushroom actually closer to the animal kingdom while the FDA considers it a vegetable. So which is it?

A: The honest answer is "maybe".

The term "vegetable" is similar to "germ", in that it is in general use but does not have a precise definition. "Vegetable" generally refers to the edible parts of a plant, but commonly includes mushrooms and other edible fungi, and no one seems to get torn out of the frame about it. Certainly mushrooms themselves haven't weighed in on the issue, and, as far as I know, they have no lobbyists on either side. It might be entertaining to make a good case that mushrooms are really animals, then see the reactions of the vegetarians at PETA.

Simultaneous Spawn?

So, word on the street is, you, Doug, and a Mr. David Rose happen to have the same birthday.
Q: Is that weird, or what? And what Matt wants to know is, were you both spawned in the fiery pits of . . . the same place?

A: To the first question: Yes, it is. In answer to Matt's question, I can only say that I was born in New Jersey. You may draw your own conclusions.

To Pee, or Not to Pee

Q: In an episode of 'Friends', one character is stung by a jellyfish, and another comes to her rescue by urinating on the affected area. Apparently a chemical in the pee neutralizes the stinging sensation. Is this myth or fact? If a friend is writhing in pain from a jellyfish attack, and the pressure is on to do something, should you whip it out?

A: Nope. Peeing on jellyfish stings provides more entertainment value than medical assistance. There are two issues to deal with in a jellyfish sting, and urine does not address either one of them effectively.

The Cause
Jellyfish are covered in small cells called nematocysts - basically tiny water balloons with poison darts in the middle. Stings are caused when nematocysts burst and drive the stingers into your skin, and there are always a good number of nematocysts left untriggered that cling to the outside of the wound. Your first job is to get them off, before they can make the situation worse. Urine contains a substance, urea, that was used in the past as an antiseptic (among many other things), but what you need is something that will neutralize the stinging cells. Tests show that urine may actually cause the remaining cells to fire, so that's out. Vinegar seems to neutralize the nematocysts from most jellyfish, even the dreaded Box Jellyfish of Australia, which is so painful that it could kill you by shock alone. A notable exception to this cure is the Portuguese Man-O-War, whose stinger cells may actually be triggered by vinegar. Rinse with salt water instead. In no case should a jellyfish wound be rinsed with fresh water, and nothing should ever be rubbed into the wound. Some experts recommend shaving the affected area with a razor to remove the stingers after the nematocysts have been rendered safe.

The Pain
Jellyfish stings are similar to bee stings, so they respond to similar treatments, such as Benadryl and hydrocortisone. Again, urine doesn't help with the pain of a jellyfish sting, except in one potential fashion. If the person peed on believes it will help, then they may feel an actual lessening of their pain through the "placebo effect", as their mind is calmed by the belief that they have been treated. Yes, this actually works, since a major component of healing is psychological. And it's a lot more interesting for onlookers.

WOOT?!?

Q: I see it all the time in blogs, IMs, etc., seemingly expressing some kind of excitement, but really, is just annoys me. A lot. So what the heck is a Woot anyway?!? And how does one kill it??

A: You speak ill of "w00t"? Merriam-Webster's word of the year for 2007? Don't be hatin'.

W00t (spelled with two zeroes, rather than O's) is the current generation's equivalent of a John Phillip Sousa march, with all the excitement for far less effort or calories. Its popularity is due to its use in video game culture, but specific details of how it came into being vary wildly. Reuters says in the above article that "w00t" is a derivative of the obsolete word "whoot", a derisive laugh, or may simply be the noise that bunny-hopping players in Halo or Quake make as they carom about the map like rubber balls. People in hacker circles claim that it goes back to a system of code words used to throw off prying administrators, and that it was an indicator that the hacker had tapped into the "root" of a system. When I did my own digging a while back, I found sources that claim "woot" is an acronym for "we owned (the) other team". These encapsulate the most serious answers I've seen, though they aren't the only ones.

I think the "whoot" reference is half-baked. It sounds like a grown-up who doesn't get gamers, and all their newfangledy talk. I also find the hacker origin suspect. It smacks of a snobby funlessness that "w00t" rejects by its very nature. It seems likely to me that the answer is a hybrid of two of the theories - a happy hooting noise that also condenses some longer phrase, if not the one mentioned then something similar. Besides that, it just fun. W00t! Heh. I feel happier, just for typing that. W00t! W00t! Heh. W0000000t!

Gumming up the Works

Q: This came up in conversation earlier, but was never resolved to my satisfaction...so I leave it to you, DougO, to confirm or bust this myth: does swallowed chewing gum really stay in your stomach for years?

A: The crux of the matter is that chewing gum doesn't digest - it's made of a natural or synthetic latex, originally from tree sap, but later replaced by cheaper polymers. So swallowing it does it no harm except maybe to ruin the flavor. I leave that flavor to your imagination.

But, no, it has no special properties that would make it cling to your insides. It hangs out about as long as pennies, buttons or crayons do in your system - about two days. Then it makes it's way out with an even newer, less appealing flavor.

Incidentally, the story I was told as a small child about gum was weirder. I was told never to go to bed with gum in my mouth or it would end up in my hair. Actually, that's pretty straightforward. But what I thought they meant was that it would absorb magically into my body and I would start oozing chewing gum out of my hair follicles, like through one of those Play-Doh squeezers. I was terrified. It was only much later in life that I realized what they were talking about. Needless to say, I've been pretty shy of gum ever since.

Hot chicks posing as Fat Guys

Q: Me and several of my dullard coworkers were pondering a simple question which arrived from an irrelevant conversation. And that question was are there any hot chicks in the entire world posing as Fat Guys on the internet? We all know many many fat guys pose as hot chicks but I'm betting the opposite never happens. And if it does, at all, how many do you think there are? And please, show your math.

A: Aw , jeez. Math. OK, here's my best shot.

The Why
The odds against such a thing happening are, admittedly, very long. If you are a "hot chick", i.e. a woman of marriageable age who turns heads and doesn't have to worry about being alone on a Saturday, there are few incentives for pretending that you are not so. Odds are that you have spent a great deal of time, money and energy to become so, and pretending that you were not would be a waste of that investment. However, it is conceivable that you would be in a situation where it would be a hindrance to have it known that you are "hot", female, and possibly even unattached. The prime example would be when you have decided to become involved in internet gaming.

I have no real idea how many attractive women have, say, an account on World of Warcraft, but I imagine the numbers to be low, given the random sample of people I know to be MMO gamers. They tend to be male, and in a range between sullen, hormonal high-school geek to middle-aged, paunchy Star Wars fan. This is a broad generalization, but,... c'mon. You know I'm not stretching much here. There is nothing per se to prevent an athletic, stunningly beautiful coed from joining the Horde. I just can't imagine it happens that often.

That said, there probably are a few. Why then would they advertise themselves as a fat guy (I picture glasses with green stains around the nose braces and Chee-to stains on his shirt) in such an environment? The same reason one prefers not to wear swim trunks made of bacon when swimming near piranhas. Leveling and managing inventory is difficult enough without having to constantly answer chat windows asking what you are wearing. You're not likely to get hit on by hunky millionaires or statuesque lifeguards online. You'll get Comic Store guy 99 times out of 100. I'm just sayin'.

The Math (such as it is)
The total world population, as of the 2007 census, is roughly 6.68 billion people. Of those people, the the number in the top three most populous countries - China, India, and the USA - are 1.33 billion, 1.15 billion, and 303.8 million, respectively. But internet use breaks down differently. In the entire world, there are roughly 1.02 billion internet users, with the national breakdowns for the before-mentioned countries on the order of 208 million for the US (2/3 of the population), 162 million for all of China, and only 60 million for India (must... restrain... cheap stereotypical jab...). Considering that the entire European union has 247 million users, and Japan has only 87 million (the same percentage as the US), we're still looking at the heavy end of internet use in these few countries - 764 million out of 1.02 billion, or roughly 75%.

Given 208 million internet users in the US, I'm going to make a conservative (and unsupported) guess that there are at least 5 hot chicks in the US pretending to be fat guys.

SO:
For every US citizen online, one might guess that there are:
- 1.18 Europeans
- .78 Chinese
- .42 Japanese, and
- .29 Indians

This gets trickier, because internet use skews heavily male in the US and Europe (say 60%), and more so in Asia (let's say 75%). Factor in that only a small percentage of the internet users anywhere are MMO players and that drops the chances of any hot/fat woman outside of the most industrialized countries of the West to less that 1/4 of a woman! (Unless, of course they all are pretending, to avoid being crushed by paternalistic social forces,... but this is even more wild speculation).

Drumroll, please...
So, the question was "how many hot chicks in the world are posing as fat guys on the internet?" Based on nothing more than population statistics and my own fevered conjecture:

7.

No, 8.

Conspiracy Theory

Q: Dear DougO, what really happened in Roswell in 1947?

A: What, you don't believe your own government?

To recap the story, aliens supposedly crash-landed in the desert outside of Roswell, New Mexico, and the chunks of their flying saucer as well as their icky, unearthly bodies were recovered and secreted away by the US Air Force. Subsequent clumsy lies about it later from military officials, coupled with a stubborn reluctance to release the facts to the public, fueled belief in this version of events. The government has since released what documents they still had on the event (crappy as they are), but speculation still rolls on, if at a somewhat less than fever pitch. Oddly enough, some UFO nuts denounce the whole thing as a hoax, feeling that other UFO nuts who keep pressing the issue are making them look bad. The government shrugs its shoulders irritably and the Aliens seem to be unaware of the controversy altogether.

Seeing as how there are many, many websites that chew endlessly over the facts and implications of the Roswell crash, I feel comfortable operating in my usual mode - glib personal opinion. Here are my thoughts:

Were there aliens in the crash? Geez, I sure hope so. Speaking as an inhabitant of The Future, in a time where we have Star Trek communicators that can talk to anyone, anywhere, we have potatoes that grow plastic, and scientists have built an interface that lets monkeys control a computer with their brain waves, I have to ask, "Where are my flying cars?"

Aliens could build flying cars, I bet. And they could make them with good gas mileage. Considering the nearest planets that could conceivably support life are something like 100,000 light years away, their rides must be not only fast but sip fuel. Take that, Japanese car makers! Oh - and I want my own personal robot companion. Yes, I know that it will eventually turn against the human race and try to destroy us, but that may not be in my lifetime.

Assuming that the aliens aren't all dead (some say they've been caught wandering around in these blurry videos), I have have a long shopping list of future stuff I'd like to see. And I'd be willing to trade nice Earth stuff for it, too - hot dogs, native flora, glass beads, chia pets, old Kansas 8-track tapes, my brother's BMW,... I'm in a bargaining mood. But the reality may be that we need protection. Did I mention monkeys were taking over computers with mind control? Best deal with the problems of our day before spending all of our chits on getting my Corolla in the air.

Asking Jeeves

Q: What, oh what, ever happened to Ask Jeeves?

A: An excellent question, and one that has haunted my thoughts many a dark night. One could do a Google search on this, of course, but the fact is that those who would have the power and the will to "disappear" a beloved character like Jeeves would also have the wherewithal to hide their trail.

MY guess is that Jeeves has gone into hiding, possibly with Subcommander Marcos, possibly with Alf, and is finding recipes and dispensing wisdom covertly under some other alias. Probably "AskMcDuggin", or some such name.

Why?

So, my 5 year old is fond of asking "Why?" to just about everything I say. Please clean your room..."Why?" he responds. Please eat your salad..."Why?" he asks. Please don't let Mommy back in the house..."Why?", OK...just kidding there. But it has gotten a bit annoying. Finally I said "Stop saying why and just do it!" to which he responded "Why?"

Then I remembered that "Why?" is probably the best question of all time and that I should encourage that kind of thinking in this man cub. But there is actually an even better question than "why?" and that is the question I pose to you DougO..."Why ask why?"

A: Why ask why? Because it gives you time to think of your next move while Mom and Dad fumble for an answer. Kids are sharp.


Addendum: My readership has expressed shock and dismay at the simplicity and brevity of my answer to this question, so, in a rare case of pandering to/responding positively to the public, I've decided to pad it out a bit more.

To be honest, the question of "why" is so broad a topic that it begs a short answer just to keep those exasperating philosophy grad students (future waiters of America) from having the time to grab hold of it and write theses on the subject. Knowing that this is a possibility, I will risk it and say that "why" is second only to "what" in popularity when people are curious about anything. "What" is absolutely the easiest question - "What is an aardvark?" "What are the current standings in the NCAA tournament?" "What do naked women look like?"- and is what the internet was made for. All it takes is a keyboard and mild interest, and BAM! Question answered.

"Why" is a different animal altogether. Discounting for the moment that "why" is, in fact, usually the very delaying tactic I describe in my first response (learned early and used constantly up through one's teens), asking "why" implies that you want to know more than just what the facts are, you also want to know why they should be that way. Rare indeed is the person who really wants to know why they can't have the car tonight, or why Democrats and Republicans can't get along. "Why" raises the specter of involvement, that the knowledge you receive could lead to action on your part, even if that action is to accept that the circumstance is beyond your control.

In the case of a 5-year-old, I have noticed that my own son takes the answers to his important why questions as a blueprint for immediate action.
Stephen: Why can't we go to the party now? (Thinking of ice cream and cake)
Me: We need to get a birthday present first.
My wife: I bet she would like an Iris. We have some growing in the back yard.
Stephen: ! (Patters off to back door, unremarked by myself or my wife)
My wife: ... where did Stephen go?
Me: (Sprint to back yard and relieve Stephen of large shovel, even now arcing downward towards My Wife's Iris bed)

Empty promises, part 2

Q: As a listener of music, I've noticed that you can never raise your volume knob on any stereo past about two-thirds without severe drop in sound quality. Any higher, and the music sounds like a whoopee cushion symphony. Why do manufacturers allow a volume knob to go so loud, when it can't really handle it? This applies to car stereos as well as home stereos and headphones. It's almost like they want me to bust the speakers so I have to buy new ones.

A: Well, yes. No one would be happier than the sound boutiques if you blew out your speakers on a regular basis. But, still, it's a matter of the illusion of plenty. Every volume knob goes to ten (or 1200, or whatever insane numbers they put in the displays now), whether doing so is a good idea or not. Would you buy a stereo setup that went to five? You would feel like you had been robbed.

The other answer, of course, is that running volume knobs up to astronomical heights costs no more than having them set to some safer level for the manufacturer, so why not? I'm stunned that no one has started actually putting a "self-destruct" setting on them. What American could pass that up?

Empty promises

Q: I have two questions along the same vein, but I'll split it up. Part One: My Honda Civic's speedometer reads a theoretical maximum speed of 130 mph. Knowing that my car starts to shimmy violently after 70, I've never tested this limit. Even if I did, I'd be crazy to try (not to mention way past lawful limits). So why does every car list a speed you can't reach?

A: Why do people buy mountain bikes when they don't even intend to hop over a curb? Why do tiny little women buy enormous SUVs? Why do suburbanites in the South buy 4-wheel-drive vehicles?

It's because Americans figure that if a little is good, a lot is much better. This is why you can't buy regular Tylenol anymore, just Extra-Strength! In a few years, if you want an Aspirin, the only kind of pain killer you'll be able to find is what they give to crash victims with compound fractures.

This principle applies to things that really aren't as robust, too, as long as they seem to be. Don't you feel cool looking at your speedometer and thinking, "I could go 130mph. I just don't want to." Vrooom. How would you feel if the speedometer stopped at 65? Not much like a Ferrari driver, I'll bet. I get a thrill just seeing how many kilometers per hour I can get my little sub-compact to burn up. It's not any faster, but seems faster.

Cheese...Green? Yellow? Orange? Blue?

Cheese is a wonderful thing. I love it on everything and by itself. But one thing does bother me...why is it not always white? I know milk is white...or whiteish, and I know that cheese is made with milk, and I know that curd is white. So why, oh why do folks mess with it to make it green, yellow, orange, blue, etc...?

A: This is actually a combination of at least two questions, chiefly, "What makes cheeses funny colors?" and, "Why would anyone do that to cheese?"

The first answer is easy enough. Blue and green cheeses are colored by the mold cultures grown in them. Otherwise, cheeses inhabit a fairly narrow range of color from white to a golden cream. Bright, screaming orange cheeses have orange dye added to them.

As for why people would dicker about with the color of cheeses, there is a good amount of legend and debate. For example: Cheddar cheese (known as "Tasty cheese" in Australia, I love that) has often been colored orange in the UK and almost always in the US. I had heard that the reason for the color was that, during either WWI or WWII, the Germans had attempted to poison Allied food supplies. The US began dyeing their cheeses orange to show that they were safe to eat. Afterwards, people got used to the "good" cheese being orange, and it was perpetuated by the marketers of cheese, like Kraft.

This theory has holes in it. For instance, the Germans wouldn't have to be geniuses to figure this out. If they were serious about killing the Allies with dairy products, the Axis would definitely have started dyeing the poisoned cheeses also. This would have sparked a "rainbow cheese" war, in which the final color for cheddar would be whatever it was when the Germans decided to give up and go back to bombing us instead. I'm betting such an arms race would have left cheddar lavender or screaming pink. Moreover, there doesn't seem to be much evidence that this is true.

A more likely reason for orange cheddar (though possibly not true either) is that cheddar and other more orange-y cheeses occur naturally during spring and summer months, when cows can tuck in to carrots and other veggies with a high beta-carotene content. Beta-carotene colors the cheese, and the happy cows produce more buttery milk, which makes the cheeses more tasty. Marketers realized that people looked for the orange cheeses, expecting that warmer-month cheeses were better, so all cheeses were dosed with carrot juice (later, synthetic dyes) to make them more appealing. The hole in this theory is that the beta-carotene should also make orange milk, which, as far as I know, it doesn't. But maybe the milk is being dyed back to white. Dizzying, isn't it?

Why does it hurt when i pee?

just wondering

A: It's impossible to say without knowing the techniques you are employing. While peeing may seem straightforward to most people, the subtleties may escape the uncoordinated, tentative, or inebriated. I would advise checking the manual for your equipment.

Incidentally, in rare cases urinary dysfunction can be caused by small fish invading the urethra. Note this report from the Internet Journal of Urology. While this particular case occurred in a suburban home while cleaning a fish tank, most reported cases of fish wriggling their way into one's urethra (ngyah. I can't believe I wrote that) are the work of the Brazilian Candiru, or "vampire fish". These fish, more feared by locals than piranhas, lie in wait in streams and rivers, then attack open sores to feed on blood, or in other cases follow the streams of urine from skinny-dipping humans. You fill in the blanks. If you think you might be afflicted by the Candiru, you have two options - costly surgery which "involves inserting the Xagua plant and the Buitach apple up the urethra", or, if that type of surgery is too expensive, amputation.

Hope this helps.

Pocket Dictionary?

Q: Would you ever actually buy one of those pocket dictionaries?

A: Do you mean, "Would you ever own one?" or "Would you ever pay for one?" I'd happily let someone buy one for me. But I don't really see a use for one. Why do you want a dictionary in the first place? Dictionaries are used for two things:
1. looking up spellings for words that you don't know, and
2. looking to see if naughty words are in it.

Pocket dictionaries are duds for both purposes, because they include a bare minimum of words to save space, and naughty words are the first to go when trimming out content. Worse yet, in the rare case you do find a word that you don't know, the definitions are brutally short, like "bodkin (bod' kin) n. a stiletto", and of, course, "stiletto" isn't included in your dictionary.

P.S. You may ask, "What about pocket foreign language dictionaries?" Same problems. I carried one of these while I was studying in Mexico. Being outdoors a lot, I decided that I needed a pocket knife, so I went to a local mom and pop hardware store to get one. Looking in the book, the word for "pocket knife" was "cortaplumas". I was given no other options, so I asked the nice old woman at the counter if she had a "cortaplumas" for sale. She ran to the back of the store and got her husband. When I asked him the same question, they both shuffled backwards to the rear door and stood there, hugging each other in terror, saying nothing. It may have been that I was a foot taller than everyone in that village, and had long hair and a motorcycle jacket. Or it may have been that I had said, in Spanish, "can I buy a bloody machete with a skull in the hilt?" Having only the one option in the book, I was left to grin ingratiatingly and shrug - probably communicating to them that I could kill them any time I wanted to with my big shiny teeth, and how was this going to go down?

The forgotten triumph of the 80s?

I was re-tying my shoes for about the 5th time today--very annoying--when a question occured to me:

Q: Why did Velcro shoes go out of style? They're so much easier!!

A: Ya got me. I used to love boat shoes, too, and they went way out of style.

All I can really do is observe that velcro's appeal fades over time. Ever look at the velcro from your toddler's shoes? Once they've pounded around in them for a few months, the "clingy" part gets so full of string, grass clippings, dog hair and shmutz that it flaps uselessly off the top of the shoe like a dried slice of ham. I imagine that, inevitably, the same thing happened to adult shoes and people got sick of pulling the springy lint out of them.

Ideas in the shower

Dear DougO

Q: Why is it that a lot of people get some of their best ideas whilst in the shower?

A: It's hard to say for sure without knowing who these people are, and what kind of ideas they are having. But, speaking generally, there are a number of possibilities.

1. Maybe a hot shower gets the blood flowing to your brain faster.
2. Maybe the absence of other distractions allows ideas you've had in the back of your mind to come to the front.
3. Maybe the ideas seem better because you're already happy (bubblebubblewhooshbubble).
4. Maybe your ideas are about soap or nudity.

My experience is often a combination of these factors, adding to them the fact that you are in a place where you cannot possibly write these ideas down, and so ideas come with more ease than when you could actually make use of them.

Worms

Q: I include 'worms' as a subset of the larger category of 'bugs.' Others disagree. What's the proper classification scheme? Are Worms bugs?

A: Donovan points out that worms are "annelids", but that doesn't cover the question, I think, since the term "bug" is more a value judgment than a true category. "Germ" is another of those imprecise terms that is used frequently when we are young, but doesn't correspond well to true taxonomy. A "bug", as referred to by children (who use it most often), usually means "any creepy thing I can catch and scare little girls with". Worms fit very comfortably in that group, along with beetles, spiders, and roly-polies (aka "pill bugs" and "wood lice").

Therefore, if it:
1. is small
2. is alive
3. is squishy, or chitinous and many-legged (but not four-legged)
4. would make your sister scream if she found it on her arm or in her sandwich
5. is best left out of doors

...then I'd say it's a bug.

Irresistible Force vs. Immovable Object

Q: Doug, if a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands buttered-side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

A: Science has disproved the "buttered-side down" hypothesis. Sad, but true. This still leaves the question of cats landing on their feet in all cases (assuming a live cat, of course), which has probably never been definitively tested because of the influence of animal rights groups. Therefore, a cat equipped with a buttered toast backpack is as likely to land on its feet as any other cat. A more interesting question might be, "What would happen if you strapped buttered toast to a cat's feet and threw the whole oily mess into the air?"

What should I do?

Q: Despite a stream of harrassing emails from me, and daily desk drive-byes to various decision makers, I find I am constantly waiting for feedback to indicate to me what to do next. What should I do? Am I working too quickly, or am I too impatient? Please help me, DougO...you're my only hope!
--Frustrated

A: Your drive and ability obviously outstrip the demands of your current job. When Einstein ran into this problem at the patent office (his day job), he spent his spare work time developing the first draft of his theory of relativity. I suggest that you develop a hobby at work that will turn the world of science on its head. Or catch up on all the current videos at homestarrunner.com. That's probably what Einstein would have done instead if he had access to the internet.

Monkey Bidding

Q: Dear Doug, how do you get a monkey to do your bidding... you know, like Tarzan or The Wicked Witch did?

A: This is a complicated question, and your examples have very different answers. Tarzan gained his dominance over monkey-kind from his upbringing as an ape. The apes taught him the language of the jungle, and their natural superiority over monkeys (Burroughs was obviously an unrepentant 19th century apist) gave him the right to order monkeys about. The Wicked Witch obviously used some other means, since she always seemed to address the (creepy, terrifying) winged monkeys in plain English. My guess is that she had conquered the Monkeys' territory, and thus became their ruler (as in the case of the Winkies).

It is not clear to me that modern monkeys would recognize the rule of apes (if you could pass yourself off as one), so following Tarzan's route to power could be problematic. And it is demonstrably true that merely having political control over a monkey-infested region is not enough to prevent them throwing you off of balconies to your death.

That being said, only three reasonable options seem open to you;

1. Develop mind-control technology for humans (or apes) and retro-fit it for monkeys (or use mind-control on the apes, and see if they can whip the monkeys into an army for you).

2. Lure them with bananas and persuade them to do your bidding with reasoned arguments.

3. Pretend that what they are currently doing is what you would have commanded them to do anyway.

Nyctophobia

Q: Doug, what's a Nictophobe?

A: Doug: "Spell it."

Matt : "nyctophobia"

Doug: "Wow, I don't know, but I wanna know!"

Matt : "According to Wikipedia, it's a pathological fear of the dark."

Thundercats, Ho?

Q: Doug, what does the Thundercats symbol look like?

A: It's kind of this cat thing. It says "RRRR" in a sort of visual way. It's all over the internet. Although you can buy Thundercats boxer shorts, I can't see any benefit to bringing the Thundercats symbol closer to my private parts.

900 Mhz phone?

Q: Dear Doug, I have a 900 Mhz phone. What does that mean?

A: 900 mhz is the frequency your phone uses to fry your brain and sterilize you.

Vanishing Pee

Q: So last night I took a Benadryl and went to bed. I figured I wouldn't sleep too long because at the time I already had to pee really bad. When I woke up some 4 hours later I no longer had to pee at all. And I didn't wake up in a puddle of my own filth. So Doug, where did the pee go?

A: You were visited by the Pee Fairy.

Beefburger?

Q: Why isn't a hamburger called a beefburger? There's clearly no ham in it!!

A: The "hamburger" is named for Hambourg, Germany, not the meat. Technically, it means "citizen of Hambourg", so you might ask, "why aren't there any ground-up Germans in them?"

Worcescestercestershire?

How does one correctly pronounce Worcestershire Sauce? Wiki failed me in this one, claiming it's pronounced /ˈwʊstəʃər/
This doesn't help me. Can you?

A: I've always pronounced Worcestershire "WOOSE te sher". I have a sneaking suspicion that the British might even break it down to "WOOSE ter".

"Why", you might ask, "do they insist on all the extra letters, then?" I don't really know, but my guess is that it was a ploy by the Saxons to throw off William the Conqueror and his invading army in 1066. It didn't work, and the steak sauce fell into the hands of the Normans.

Devil's Food vs. Angel's Food

Q: Does Devil's Food win just because of the chocolaty goodness?

A: Oh, no. It wins primarily because of the lameness of Angel's food. The chocolatey goodness just puts it over the top.

DougO vs. Wikipedia!

Q: Why ask DougO and not just Wikipedia my question?

A: Well, if you care more about accuracy, rather than lovingly handcrafted nuggets of knowledge, I guess the faceless, sterile environment of Wikipedia may suit you.

So what's the difference...

...between Jelly and Jam?? I look at both on the shelf, and they have the same labels, same ingredients. Except one says Jelly. The other, Jam. What's up with that?

A: Well, the answer, as others have noted, is that "jelly" is made only from the extracted juices of the fruit, giving a smooth consistency, while "jam" includes seeds and pulp, making for a chunkier texture.
My addendum to this explanation is my own term for the bits added to (or not removed from) jam. I call it "glunk". You heard it here first.

Angel Food Cake... Food of the Gods, or What?

Q: Just because I need to know...

A: The food of the gods was called Ambrosia for the Greeks and Romans, served with a big, foamy mug of Nectar to wash it down. The Norse gods ate pretty much what we eat, except more of it and with lots of alcohol (as at a company party), but they kept young by eating magic silver apples. Angel food cake, on the other hand, is eaten mostly by old ladies (not gods) and is made with egg whites and sugar, with some other flavorless crap thrown in.

So, no. The gods probably wouldn't eat it unless they were on a diet.

Robots and Evil

Q: Hey Doug, are robots evil?

A: Robots can't be diabolical because they don't have souls.

How to Say Air Wolf?

Q: Dear Doug, how is Airwolf pronounced in South Carolina?

A: Air-WOOF.

How Do I Remove Captured Blood from a Toenail?

Q: Hey Doug, I injured my toe playing basketball, and now it looks gross. How do I remove captured blood from a toenail?

A: It depends. If the connective tissue has separated from the nail, but the front part hasn't, then the toenail will hinge forward like a European sports car's hood. Otherwise it will just fall off when the new toenail grows underneath it in a couple more days.

Fish Don't Fry in the Kitchen?

Q: Dear Dougo, what does "Fish don't fry in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill" from the Jefferson's Theme Song mean?

A: Doug kind of rambled around on this one, so Donovan had to pitch in with a coherent answer : The phrase means that they are going out to eat more often, now that they've 'moved on up.' So they don't cook as often in the kitchen.